Why is it that Kenyan parents would trust their 30-something year old daughter to make important decisions e.g. relating to her career, what car to drive, how much money to save or invest, how much money to contribute to her parents’ upkeep…yet they cannot trust her to make the decision of the man she chooses to love or even better, they cannot accept her choice of how she will celebrate her marriage to him? And no, this is not about me (before I start getting calls about this from ‘concerned’ folks he he).
In recent weeks I have encountered some interesting scenarios and come to the conclusion that both sides: parents and daughters need a serious reality check. An acquaintance of mine lives here in Canada with her boyfriend. They have shared a place for ages, and have just completed the purchase of an apartment. So imagine how surprised I was that even though it’s been at least 3-4 years of cohabiting, she has never told her mother in Kenya that she is living with this fellow! I was taken aback- you can move thousands of miles, navigate a foreign system, get a job etc, but you cannot tell 1 woman that you are living with a man who you love? Really, why would you want to be living like you are still 15? Like, GROW UP!!! Seriously! This is an extreme of how many Kenyans relate to their parents. Most of us are upfront, respectful, honest and relatively open with our parents. The problem is that sometimes, I think our parents choose to not respect our choices, they belittle our decisions, force their opinions down our throats, and make things very uncomfortable particularly during major life transitions like marriage!
When I told my parents about getting married, my father said something really cool- that as parents, their job was to offer support and facilitate a smooth transition from singlehood to married-ness. There was no expression of doubt in my choice, or reservations in the way we chose to get married (civil ceremony, at home, no wedding dress, no rings) even though it wasn’t probably what they would have envisioned. If anything, when the madness of the post-election violence happened, my whole family and friends rallied together to make sure we got the food, chairs, all the paperwork sorted out in five days (don’t ask me about Sheria house- that place is the home of corruption incarnate if you want anything done quickly…many a time I wanted to scream “Haki Yangu Kupewa Marriage Licence” but E. assured me if it wasn’t followed by wads of cash, there was no point in screaming).
Digression: My mum as always was so zen she spent the morning with her beloved cows, took off her gumboots to arrange flowers and wander around the house looking for some tablecloth she had put away ‘somewhere’ an hour before the officiating registrar was expected…at which point she realized that she’d unbraided her hair the previous day, hadn’t had time to get it done…and her wig was AWOL…it was all just zany enough for me to be banished from the muddy front yard of the house before I pointed out one more time that it was rather muddy!
Basically, E. and I got what we wanted as far as our ‘wedding’ went, in spite of all the madness happening around us. Little did I realize how glad I should be for my parents’ ability to just go with the flow.
Several dear friends of mine are engaged to be married this or next year and for each couple the funniest issues keep coming up from their parents: e.g. if it’s not the guy’s tribe, it’s the couple’s choice of marriage counselor, or them living together, or his age (or her age…from the guy’s parents)…things that are to me irrelevant considering that the women in question are clean living, honest, hard working, smart, beautiful, amazing…and the guys involved are really decent, kind and good (and as anyone dating in Nairobi can attest, there is a dearth of genuinely decent guys). I sit silent in my amazement at how another human being particularly your parent can decide that you are incapable of making the right choices a.) in the face of your past spotless track record in decision making and b.) based on the fact that they raised you and feel they did a good job…just because they can.
Here is the thing- unless you know of a real impediment to two people getting married i.e. knowledge of a secret, double life; existence of Wife No. 1; criminal activity; diminished mental capacity inhibiting proper decision making etc, your role in the wedding is to support and respect the couple’s choice. Even if they choose to get married while bungee jumping, in an Elvis chapel, underwater, at the DC’s office- let them. That is their choice. Respect it. If a mother wants her daughter to have a big wedding while the daughter dreams of a small event in a quiet corner of Kenya, why should the daughter oblige her? What’s the worst that happens if the daughter has a small event? Does it change the happiness/success of her marriage? I know that there’s a rule of thumb that Kenyan weddings aren’t about the couple, but about everyone else who can find some emotional leverage to get their own way during the planning. To me, this is a form of passive aggression against the couple getting married…here’s why: the Parents already had their wedding years ago- there should be no do-overs. The funniest thing is that most people aren’t even trying to go all radical (like me), they just want something different…but no-oo-o nobody takes that into consideration. It’s a wonder people don’t just elope.
It doesn’t matter whether you suckled the girl for six years, gave her your kidney and one eye to save her sight…respect her choice. I think it is unfortunate and utterly selfish for a parent to insinuate that a daughter’s wedding plans should be a form of ‘parent worship’ or a burnt offering at the altar of gratitude-to-parents i.e. full of traditions or rules that are just being followed to please a parent. How many stories have we heard of parents who print their own wedding cards (or make photocopies of the originals) when their children limit the number of invitations that can be handed out to parents’ friends? Or of parents adding flowergirls to the lineup (complete with matching outfits) “Because Auntie X will be upset if 2 yr old ‘mummy’ isn’t included’ only for the little ‘darling’ to ruin all the wedding pictures with her antics? Or of parents demanding exorbitant amounts from the couple in the name of dowry? Or of parents refusing to attend weddings because of some imagined slights? Parents need to know- it is not about them.
I know I’m probably preaching to the converted, but the whole point is that at some stage you have to stand up and tell your parents “thank you for everything you’ve done to support me, raise me, educate me etc…you did a good job. I can take it from here”. If you cave in over something relatively inconsequential as a wedding, where/when will you stop? You don’t have to be dramatic, just lay it out as a fait accompli; as you have decided so it shall be…unless they have some deadly-cool idea that you also agree with. If you want a big, frothy, white wedding, do it. If small, intimate is more your style- what’s stopping you? It’s not a mark of disrespect or ingratitude to do what you actually want. Hopefully, eventually, your parents will get the hints and step back and let you be you rather than The-Parents-2.0!
Sermon over- to all my friends tying the knot: good luck, I hope it is everything you wish for, and please, give your parents enough cards (the most common ‘issue’ seems to be the invitations…even with my super-tiny ceremony, my dad still managed to squeeze in one person I’d never met…but I forgave him since he’d been so cool about everything else!).
In closing: I like something George Bush’s daughter said when asked about her small wedding: she didn’t want to be introducing herself at her own wedding!!! How true. Even better, her parents respected that. As hard as it can be especially with Kenyan parents be true to yourself or you’ll wake up one day to find that you have not been living your own life but someone else’s version of what your life should be.
15 Comments
July 17, 2008 at 11:47 pm
interesting post…the idea of marriage gives me butterflies up my tummy..i have been a runaway groom once and am not sure if i will not repeat the feat again in future
Funny…runaway groom…I’d have thought it was an oxymoron- usually the stereotypical image is of the bride as the bolter while the groom is generally captured with this ‘deer-in-the-headlights’ look on his face as if he’s not really sure how he ended up at an altar, let alone married. The way I see it- better to make a run for it than go through with it just to make others happy, I’m sure the ex-bride sees it as a good thing now huh? If she’s not still leaving voodoo dolls on your doorstep with the balls cut off
July 18, 2008 at 11:21 am
Niiice post….
Don’t you think that culture plays a major role in a kenyan weddings though? and that part of the reason we end up caving in to our parents is because we have been brought up succumb (not sure if this the word) to them? In the example you gave of the gal that was living with her boyfriend for 3-4yrs and not tell her mother – could it be because presumably those living arrangements are not acceptable culturally or would be an embarassment to the parents? The gal not wanting the parents to be embarrassed or feel like they didn’t do a good job raising her, choses not to disclose that information…..[shrug]
I think Kenyan parents have their children well trained to succumb to their pressure by selectively using culture as a blackmail tool (how often do people hear: “respect your elders!”, “Because I am your father and I said so!”- OK if my dad said that we’d just roll our eyes…or cite CEDAW, “No child of mine will”…”what will people say”) ). Why should parents suddenly start saying things like “…in our culture we do things X way…” when they have taken great pains to make their children’s upbringing modern so that they suceed in the predominantly Western world at school, work etc.
So many people are trapped in this sad place where their parents are the spectre at the feast whenever they have to make the choice of personal happiness…can you imagine not being able to tell your parents about the person you love? Many Kenyan parents (selfishly) worry so much about what ‘people’ aka their friends will think or say…it’s time we turned our focus to what’s important: Valuing and respecting the wellbeing and happiness of each other.
July 18, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Finally, you’ve unleashed the story I have been a tad too careful to ask for. I have not even read sawa sawa, so i’ll be back to finish reading. …
Hey Mwari- I know you were waiting, and you will probably be thinking “what about her story?” after you are done reading. Promise- I will write it…probably as autobiography thinly veiled as fiction…to ‘protect everyone’s identities’ lol.
July 19, 2008 at 10:15 am
As a photographer, I have had first hand experience of the effects of the family. The inlaws in one couple think I’m too expensive, and so they demand that I be dropped. Yet the other side fully wants me to cover the wedding. And so it appears like there will be two of us photographers, each of us paid for by one side of the family. Yet the couple’s wishes has not been considered.
I agree, some of these things that are used as blackmail need to be done away with. As you rightly put it, in the end it’s down to just the couple, regardless of what others might think.
I read about that at yours! Family! If you can’t even agree on the wedding photos, imagine other stuff like naming kids that can cause real probs? Ah well, just go out and prove them wrong with your cool pix!!!
July 20, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Hear, hear!
M_____ I knew I would be preaching to the choir! Nice to see you here
July 21, 2008 at 2:01 am
I feel that its up to the couple to take care of their families e.g the bride should control all those crazy aunties with last minute demands and the man his clan. Marriage is for two and the wedding is just one day you best lay down the law or they will walk all over you even after you are married.
No wonder guys elope. For me unless they have a good reason they have to butt out. Parents and relations need to realize that its a only a sing of honor and respect that the man asks for the hand in marriage not a time to hit jackpot. Three sisters and weddings later and all my dad asks is what the groom can afford seeing that this couple has a life to start ad bills to pay. Cant wait to see how mine goes that is when time comes.
Sounds like you have a sane dad. Our problem as a generation is that many of us are conditioned to ‘respect’ (ie never disagree with or point out problems to) our elders…so our elders also need to know that boundaries exist…that there are limits. That ‘good behaviour’ is expected of them too.
I was told of one man who offered his daughter and her husband a place to live in an apartment that he owned when they relocated to Nairobi. All went well until the husband learned from the watchman that his father-in-law routinely let himself into their apartment while they were out to ‘inspect’ it…the daughter found it ‘hard’ to ask her father to stop his incursion into their privacy!!!).
July 21, 2008 at 6:10 am
Amen to everything.
Now to hope that I can restrain myself from living my son’s life for him.
Good luck…spread the word to other moms out there-
July 22, 2008 at 11:53 am
Wambui,
Your article is right on so many fronts (sure you know that!). I just have to note that people treat us as we teach them to – our parents included. At some point, respectfully, one has to be sure to let their parents know that they did a good job of raising us and need to trust us to make our own decisions; marriage decisions included.
Paraphrasing what so many others have noted too – any reasonable parent is going to respect their children’s wishes (Am sure you premised your note on both kids and parents being sensible). If I do get married some day – am the type that will be very happy having 20 people at the ceremony – Lol!
Hey Cynthia…getting people to see that they are letting their elders get away with bad behaviour is not always easy- but it’s so cool when they realize how easy it is to just say, “No mum, we are not inviting Mrs. X____, your deskmate from High School that you haven’t spoken to in years,”…or “Mum, I acknowledge your misgivings but I have made my decision,”…without the world coming to an end.
As for having only 20 people…I wish you luck with that
July 23, 2008 at 8:20 am
Naming kids? Ha, don’t I have a story for you on that! There’s a friend of my brother’s who has a nephew called Shawn. When he was born, his mother chose that name, but wanted it spelt Sean. Her mother was having none of that. What what kind of name is See-ahn? (As she pronounced it). Ati not grand son hers would have such a weird name. Ati he’d be the butt of jokes from his peers laughing at that name. So she insisted the name would be Shawn. She was asked, what of Shaun? Nope, Shawn it is. The little boy went bila birth certificate for 1 month as this issue got sorted out. And my understanding is the whole family was involved. Except for my bro’s friend who kept clear of it all. Madness, I tell ya!
Ati See-ahn…(as an aside, if you want to laugh about names, read Freakonomics if you haven’t read it yet…v. v. funny section on names there). 1 month for a baby name…talk of powertripping grannies!!!! LOL! Your friend chose the path of least resistance…me? I get combative!!!
July 23, 2008 at 9:35 am
Haya, nimesoma sasa.
I agree with you. Let the people decide, they’re grown up afterall.
Then I will proceed to crown my dad once more. (I believe I already did before, no?)
When my younger sis introduced her beau, during the closed door meeting, all my dad asked was, ” Is that the one you have chosen?” to which she meekly affirmed. And that was that. Done deal!
ps, i typed a comment and it vanished. If it resurfaces please purge it.
Haven’t seen the other comment yet…will be on the lookout
Mwari, let me ask you, since you are a parent…why is it so hard to let go? any theories?
July 23, 2008 at 10:01 am
This is real time blogging!
I have already outlined that I am raising a very strong headed lot. The good thing is that I get to hear it all, so I hope (touching wood) they will be free to express their aspirations.
That said, as a parent, I always feel as though I know what’s best for them. Sometimes I want to choose what they should wear. At this early stage, I concede defeat. The little people have shown me that they too have a mind. They know what they want. So mine is to offer guidelines and yes, at times a loud yell from me, is what works to prevent potential disasters.
But then, it’s too early to be definite, ask me in 15-20 years
July 23, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Concerning the ‘mummyand daddy know best’ issue, had I followed that rule, I’d still be stuck in an engineering job. Or be in Belgium right now at a job that, while okay, wouldn’t be living m dream. It has taken a LONG time for my folks to finally come to terms 100% with my switch from engineering to photography. Sure, they were supportive, but I could tell it bugged them kidogo. After the exhibit opening (which I really should blog about!) I think they realisedthen this is it for me. No more reservations on their part.
Concerning Mwari’s comment on the little people having their own mind, I remember an early lesson imparted by my folks. We were driving home one evening when a discussion came up. I must have been 11 at the time. Ultimately it came down to us having to decide on something. They asked each of us. Both my brothers (then 10 and 6) gave their vote. When it was my turn, I said I’d go with whatever was agreed on. My folks then told me that was unacceptable, since I needed to speak my mind and make my own decision, not follow the crowd blindly. I’ll never forget that.
And sure, like in Mwari’s childrens’ case, we could do what we wanted, but within certain guidelines. When we moved outside those boundaries, eh, a well earned and deserved belting would be unleashed.
Yup, real time blogging this!
So people, si we just prepare a memorandum of understanding template for 30something year old Kenyans struggling to draw boundaries for their parents?
EGM you have followed your heart in a brave way…as a woman I feel that I get more leeway to ‘follow my heart’…in that I can always be a kept woman if my book never gets published…must be tough as a guy. I guess having your work exhibited goes a long way in reassuring worried parents that you have made the right choice eh? I like real-time blogging!
July 25, 2008 at 5:03 am
First time commenting here, but you’ve touched a nerve!
I’ve often wondered the same thing: if you’ve raised your child and done a job you can be proud of, why can’t you let go?
We all have horror stories about serving on wedding committees and having to act as referees between two warring families (who all agree that you must get married rather than “live in sin,” and then go out of their way to make the wedding hell).
Infuriating! And for what? Who wins what in the end?
February 10, 2009 at 1:11 am
Your post so applies to me! I like the way you have analysed the issues therein.
Am currently facing the same situation with my folks. They have asked me to choose between them and my fiance becuase he is not from my country.
I have told my fiance everything about my parents misgivings and he is willing to stand by me no matter what. With his unwavering support there is no way am giving in to my parents’ ultimatum.
I am going through a difficult phase right now and although my actions are regarded as ‘rebellion’ and ‘disrespect’ I really cant face letting my parents dictate how they want my life to be. I am a 32 year old divorcee and mother to a wondeful little man.
February 11, 2009 at 10:59 am
Maya, sounds like that’s a difficult place to be. Ultimatums of that kind are unfair to you because you have tried to share that part of your life with your parents. Unfortunately, when the best thing to do is to stand your ground it might mean not having your parents being part of your engagement, wedding and maybe even your marriage. In the end though, in my opinion standing by such an important decision puts your relationship first and lets your parents know that your parent-child relationship is different, not broken, just different- with no disrespect intended on your part. All the best as you make your way