How I Spent My Holiday, Part II

It has definitely taken forever to finish writing Part two! Blame it on my new found success at Spider Solitaire (Difficult- Four Suits)- for years I have not managed to finish a game, then suddenly I complete three back-to-back games, so of course, I have to try and replicate my earlier successes. Plus, I had to deal with a ‘situation’ involving a volunteer position that I hold. Many moons later, here it is.

How I Spent My Holiday, Part I

So, after the serious must come some lightheartedness.

But first, a mini-digression. In primary school, each beginning of term we would be asked to write a composition titled ‘How I Spent My Holidays’. We would also be given a page limit eg 1 page in Std. 2, 4 pages in Std 6 etc. Some smart kids would fill up the pages with sentences like: “we swam and swam and swam and swam. Then we walked, and walked, and walked, and walked’ etc. I promise, this has no ‘filler’…in it’

I spent 13 magical days in Kenya in April and I have to say, I seriously wish that man would go ahead and further develop supersonic travel so it becomes the norm. I ‘wasted’ two whole days (either way) traveling from Vancouver to Nairobi and those were two days I could have spent in more enlightening ways!

Justice. Outrage. Reality Check

From the first time Mr. Cholmondeley appeared on Kenyans’ radar (after he shot and killed a KWS ranger), the public anger unleashed against him has always seemed interesting to me. In no way do I think that outrage at the death of any human being is unjustified. I found disingenuous the reaction to Mr. Cholmondeley’s acquittal in the Samson Ole Sisina murder trial and his subsequent 8 month sentence for manslaughter in the Robert Njoya case.

Almost every comment I have read on different Kenyan news sites has centred on his race, his wealth, his ‘untouchability’ and not on the legal merits of the cases filed against him. In both instances, to me, the conclusions of the trials seem to fit what evidence has been provided.

Going Home

For me, traveling to Kenya usually happens on a whim. Rarely do I plan months in advance (or think it through very much). I just wake up with this longing for that warm sun, the sound of insects, a wider range of banana choices, the obituaries in The Nation, my friends, my family and just this sense of relaxation that comes over me as soon as the plane starts taxiing down the runway. I have been having this feeling for a few weeks and after my sister announced that she was traveling to Kenya for a break over Easter, I felt this intense urge to go too.

Nobody Told Me ‘It’ Would Be Boring

We all knew it was coming. This ‘downturn’.

The government, the opposition, the pundits…even the Tweeters said it. Repeatedly.

We braced ourselves as though for a  Tsunami.

We cringed at the figures as they were bandied about:

Half a million jobs lost, three trillion dollars of debt, 20% capital loses.

Our vocabularies grew: Asset Backed Commercial Paper, Foreclosure, Debt,

Underwater Mortgages, Ponzi Schemes, Stagflation, Bailouts, Stimulus Plans.

CEOs went from being visionaries to being considered white collar criminals.

Private Equity and Hedge Funds became dirty words.

The gloom spread, belts were tightened, dollars were saved.

Then it hit us:

“Going broke and being broke sucks, but getting here sure was interesting!”

“When will the good times be back?”

The downturn is boring.

Kilifi or Bust…

It all started in early February when I moved temporarily to having more responsibility in the workplace…suddenly I found that I was expected to have all the answers to all the questions- even the ones which my predecessor had already nixed in the past. Soon those who shied away from taking on the added responsibility were eavesdropping (I know! How childish!) whenever I had a conversation with a colleague, keeping tabs on all activities, offering unsolicited (often useless) tips in overbearing tones- as if I asked for their help.

Elliptical Apologies

Dear E (I feel that I may address you this way since we will be spending so much time together from now on )
I have been lying to you since the day we met. None of it is true- the stuff I told you. My age, my weight, all of it was lies.The only true thing I told you was my name.
In my defence, it was not ill intentioned towards you, it was really about self preservation: I thought that if I told you the truth about my weight (or age) you would be merciless. I feared that you would chew me up and toss me aside contemptuously. I feared that the truth would be too painful for me to handle.
There. I feel better.
Let us start afresh. I swear to tell you nothing but the truth from now on.
From now on, I will step up to you proudly, give you my vital statistics, and place myself in your capable hands.
I pray that you will not hold my confessions against me as most humans would.
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow and working out with you.
Sincerely Apologetic,
W______

In Response To Your Email….

During the average workday how many emails would you say you send out, or receive? Before, my ‘official’ emails were crafted painstakingly, edited for clarity, brevity and typos. At times when I would click ‘Send’ I said to myself “that was a good one my dear!” Sadly, I quickly learned that many recipients would not give my emails more than a cursory glance. It was like all they read were key words  or the “For assistance, please contact me at 555.555.5555″ line. 

Within seconds of clicking ‘Send’, my phone would be ringing with the recipient on the other end asking me to walk them through the login process! Most of the time this entailed sitting silently as the person umm-d and errm-d their way to the site- I would ’see’ them one-handedly mis-typing our URL…then I would listen for the creaking, sputtering sounds of their CPU crunching the data. Aaargh!  

I have now switched to sending keywords-only emails. It’s working very well. Maybe I will start doing that with my blog posts too.

More Swahili Banditry…

Say you were walking down a street in one of the seedier parts of Nairobi and some hoodlums descended on you with kicks and punches in an attempt to rob you of your fake Rolex and crystal ‘diamond’ earrings. Let’s say your attack was witnessed by a passerby who then rushed to your aid.
If said passerby were to rush to your aid yelling “Kudenko! Hulu!” as they approached, what do you think the bandits would do:

1. Immediately cease their pummeling, desist from further violent action and take off into the night.
2. Turn on the would-be Good Samaritan and pummel both of you senseless before making off with your faux-bling.
3. Pause, confused by the gibberish the Good Samaritan is yelling at them. Then turn on the would-be Good Samaritan and pummel both of you senseless before making off with your faux-bling.

If you answered

1. Eeeh…wrong! I have no words for you
2. you would only be partially correct or
3. you would be totally correct!

Last week I was enjoying reading an article in The Economist about NBC/News Corp efforts to build an online video site that would be different from YouTube when I came across this line… Into this mess Mr Kilar tried to enter with the service that was to be Hulu. The bloggers at first scoffed: it turns out that Hulu can mean “cease and desist” in Swahili…immediately sending my brain racing.  “Could Hulu be Kiswahili for cease and desist? Hmm. I’ve never heard the word before…something about it doesn’t sound like Kiswahili. More research required,” I concluded.

It just seemed rather unlikely that Hulu could mean all that (Cease and Desist!??!). So far all indications are that it means nothing of the sort- but I could be wrong…I can only shake my head. I mean: Hulu? Seriously?

Sometimes I am left feeling that for something to be considered visionary/edgy/cute/different in some circles it must incorporate elements of the exotic “…‘xyz’ which means ‘abc’ in Swahili (‘world’ language)…” I know that product names are important and can go a long way in brand creation etc, but this searching for something else about a brand can be so silly to the casual observer.

Anyway, I would like to suggest a new word to all those who are determined to include a Swahili translation for every word that sounds even vaguely like it could be ‘Swahili’- Kamusi, which is the Swahili word for dictionary! Use it! Or better yet, just leave Swahili out of it

The Next Chapter

The varied sounds from downstairs echoed around the upstairs landing: overexcited aunts cackling raucously, the beeping of text messaging cousins’ phones, the phlegmy coughs of grandparents wilting from the previous night’s festivities, the pacing feet of an anxious father accompanied by the bolder strides of bravado-filled uncles syncopated by the frantic cries of a woman about to lose a daughter, “Are the cars here?” “Has anyone seen the photographer?” “Are the girls ready yet?” she calls to no one in particular. Everyone ignores her, afraid to catch her eye lest they be sent upstairs to wrangle the bridesmaids, flowergirls and bride into some semblance of order.